without contemplation

for never in fashion

2007-10-07T21:11:00.000+08:00

while my brothers go on to their toilet break...

its this orange
you could be fevered with
its in the seed
we could sour within

saint francis you could cut me open
in the ideal world
come taste me inside out
seeking and picking
and singing and drought

drafted and halted
and strung around in this
bloodied flower
my ever lasting shower

can't resist the urge to herbal essence.
its orange flavour
is extremely appetizing
its like saint francis
doing a mambo in wonderland
and then cutting me open.

its not morbid if i am a fruitcake.

and iýam a fruitcake people.

morbidly funny.

kaching, u don't know how much fuck ups to get this right.

2007-10-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

this is captian oreo's guitar... hello dude, i put erm half a star below the bridge.. can see? eh the reflectionzz are a bit hardcore ah... i use powerful flash ah... plus shaky hands, but can see la ... okay cheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrssss

colours used, crimson alizarin, raw sienna, prussian blue, and asshole black.

specialism receipt

2007-09-16T17:36:00.000+08:00

and so she asked father
who created god
synthetic mint punctuated rigid walls
a gastronomic heart within the beings
that lived within
faith and hope should never share
the bed of humanity
nor use religion as contraception
there has to be independence
walking along the lines of selective indifference
when it comes to one's seeking
does one need an agent between them and salvation
does one need to prove himself before redemption
a psychological affection
an emotional attachment
a need to heed
a dependency on the agency
a crowd that would not believe
tells you to walk the other way
and you should
really
because the only thing you conform to
should be yourself.
with selective indifference of course.
and father tells her god just exists from the start.
he asks her what makes you think of this question.
she said,

it just existed from the stART too.

treasure.

2007-09-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

my he art r aces
w hen i th ink
of you
are my eve ry thing
does not matter except you
make my he art come to get her
we are one
now and for ever
i will st and by you r side
my d ear s aint from above
all things i love you

have my he art.

sorry

2007-09-03T20:36:00.001+08:00

i have a natural tendency to let people down, i have the natural tendency to make people hurt. i have to apologize for the way i feel, i meant well. i never tell. i never ever tell. i have my hands up. my second chance at life just does strange things to my heart. don't you ever hurt yourself, don't you ever hurt your soul, do it as a favor for me, it hurts.

please. don't spite me.

hurt, trent took the words right out of my gut.

2007-09-03T20:31:00.000+08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

if i could start again, i would really really find a way. really.

jesus, cuddle me.

it never stops, it never stops. soon, once again, i'll have nothing to lose, is that all so comforting?

hush hush hush ruben, hush.

dreams do stain reality

2007-08-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

as easy to spot as a dark stain on christ's white of the eye
an insincerity feeds on a heart
a reflection between to mirrors doesn't go on forever
but only until the subject is unable to see
an emotional astigmatism
a myopic faith
a boy who can't trust his eyes not because his imagination is out of focus
but because his brain has ceased to be
a wish that can't be granted
a prayer without a me
yet sweet lies bring him on a path slanted
truth is a chameleon on different tongues
but deceit is constant
because it is everything
understanding is hardly benevolent
and acceptance comes only after a fee
a subject that has died once
splintered formations and life juice are free
embrace a small insanity
a shot of dry apathy
the heart does not feel
the heart does not break
the spirit is the made of cork
all the damage it will take
the subject seeks permission
and promises to fake
who knows under what conditions
this charity he will make
love is in evolution
an irony if it may
but it's just a tab in a life of complication
i can do without
but only barely
will i let go
the seed i sow
the big rebel was right
man can't always reap what he sow
i don't ask for help
when the trouble is within
a bittersweet consequence
connections of emotions have let me in
i asked for termination from the start
now its firmly etched onto my heart
be biggest lesson learned has told me
not to develop the brain
a mix of excreta and essentials
in the cranium in the drain
my folly of goodwill
the biggest gift i'll ever give ladies and gentlemen
will simply, very simply

be

the

one

most

realistic

surreal

.

hush ruben hush, hush, hush, hush. ruben is a spelling error, it is underlined in red. thats right, i am underlined, in red.

2007-08-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

how to get your alcohol.

1. go to a supermart.

2. pick a busy counter.

3.have your cash in hand.

4. "i.c please"

5"excuse me?"

6. "i need your i.c"

7. "oh identification, sorry, me bees a foreigner."

8." oooh okay, thank you sir, here is your receipt."

9. "gracias"

10. smile and take your booze with you.

hello

2007-08-18T00:24:00.000+08:00

hello, my name is ruben. my eyes are red and white and black. i painted it that way. my heart is white and red and black, they painted it that way. my soul is red and white and black, i keep it that way. one day there will be no need for colour. one day, you can paint my everything, you can have it all. etch your name anywhere, anywhere but the black spots.

hello my name is ruben, but you can call me what you want.

for, not from

2007-08-17T23:56:00.000+08:00

close your eyes,
breathe in slow,
let your tongue touch ceiling.
breathe out without contact.
if you see purple light.
welcome home.

i hide in the cup and sign my letter
i dont cut myself anymore
i dont cut myself anymore
can't see the life ink's river
i don't cut myself anymore
i don't cut myself anymore
keep the black lips they will wither
i don't see myself anymore
i don't see myself anymore
tell me that i'll last forever
i don't keep myself anymore
i don't keep myself anymore.

angel won't you stop the bleeding?
angel won't you walk with me?
angel do you know where i'm heading?
angel why are you leaving.

god don't you look at me like that.
god?
god?
hello?

hold my hand, its cold.
i can't touch my heart my little liar cuts the swan in the neck, my neck has slithers on impatience, but in the end but in the end, its the journey that counts, the stairway to heaven and the highway to hell lead to me, my veins are showing, but my knife is kept. i don't cut myself anymore. but it hurts now more than ever before. i should never reveal the truth, is what i've been told. but its ok, i'm ready to be a victim. let your wolves out on me, the hunted stains the blood of the hunter.

take me home after this, take me home after this. i'll be good, take me home after this, take me home after this. please don't hurt me too bad.

i'll be good i swear.

i'll bark if you want. i'll burn if you want, but don't send me into the forest again.

love love

2007-08-09T18:58:00.000+08:00

Title: Swan Song

This piece is about hope, sacrifice and humor.

It is dedicated to all those who are going through hard times, those in need of inspiration, hope, peace and a way out. You may be able to identify with different elements in the painting.

The lack of the eyes, nose, mouth and ears (and a missing hand), suggest that sometimes the pain life etches into us may hurt so much that we’d rather do without the senses. And sometimes, the same senses that guide us mislead us too, making us seek baser material pleasures. We want to elude trouble. We love comfort. When we suffer, we ask for the meaning of life; reasons to justify out suffering. We are told that difficulties are the best way to learn about life, and it is almost impossible to see the truth in that.

The entity breaking out of the clouds is one who strives. There is no end to what we want, material, emotional or spiritual. She reaches out, even though she has gone past the clouds. Her desires and ambitions are part of the clouds, immense, impossible to grasp, and in a sense, they suffocate. Some curl around her like a closing hand. Often, we are required to strive, yet I’m sure deep down inside all of us, we know what really is required of us - charity and generosity.

Life is unfair, and in the midst of all this suffering and struggling, we want a way out. Yet more beautiful human qualities shine more intensely in these dark events. I’ve found one way out though, that would be this attempt to live for others or for something I believe in as much as possible. It really hurts less when efforts are in vain or obstacles come about because you know what you’re doing isn’t for a selfish reason. It seems as though your suffering is shared with those whom you’re living for. It also hurts less if you can laugh while at it.

Laughter is important. It adds color to the darkest moments. Patterns and lively color swirl behind the murky blue wash. The rose above the entity’s head can be anticipated to smack her in the face as she ascends. Occasionally the clouds suggest that the entity has “guffed”. With humor, even a cloudy scene can be turned into a relatively rosy situation. To me, the ability to chuckle in the shadow of negativity when it rears its ugly head… is almost… noble?

I guess there is this "rose" in all of us. There will be a time when it will blossom, and before long, wither. There is also Hope within. Hope may cry over the dying flower. Yet there is beauty in the dried drifting petals caressed by the wind. It symbolizes impermanence and a new beginning; a farewell to the rose and a grand initiation for the fruit that will take its place. A life lived for someone or something else, that in itself is a beautiful swan song that will touch everyone.

For all of you who are in pain, who need inspiration, who seem to be losing hope, who want to give up. Hang in there. Often by helping others you help yourself. In the book “The Husband” by Dean Koontz, a character mentioned that peace is a grace that comes over people, and happiness is a choice we must learn to choose. I’ve found a sense of peace, but I can’t say with sincerity that I’m happy. To all of you, may you find that peace, and may you eventually experience happiness. In the end, you are Hope and your Swan Song will be everlasting. Stay true to yourself.

With hope and love, cheers!

Ruben Pang

9 Aug 2007

adam eve and whoever you hate

2007-07-31T21:51:00.000+08:00

eve - do you believe in god?

adam - nope, no god. i know there isn't a god.

eve pauses, silence, thinks, ring a ding, silence

adam - i know theres jesus, i believe in him, i know theres heaven saints angels...but no god. no one big supreme majesty...

eve- you don't have to believe you know..

pauses more, feels some ego being nudged.

adam - well, so many people take this god thing.. they tell you you believe in god and poof thats it, you get yourself into heaven, goodole one way ticket. and you find these people, cheats, thieves, cons, hypocrites, rapists, pimps, gangsters, slave drivers, bloodsuckers, murderers, corrupts, and and, they go okay yea i believe in god.. and poof! they're gonna be up there in promised paradise with you and me? sorry thats not the way it is...

eve- actually thats the way it is

adam raises eyebrow

adam - i tell ya, if i see the guy who killed my dad in heaven just cos he believes in god, i will kick his pussymouthbutthead back to earth or further.

eve - firstly, what makes you think you're going to heaven? and why would a christian kill anyone?

adams eyebrow is raised more...

adam - you mean even if i'm a good guy but don't belive in god i won't go to heaven?

eve - you can choose to accept christ as your lord. then you'll go to heaven

adam - ohhh okayy so i just have to accept him as my lord?

eve - yes

adam - so bastards can go to heaven cos they accept the lord, even if they murder and all... what about you?? you're such a bitch, you made me eat the fucking apple and i got kicked out of eden along with you, and you're not even fuckin'hot, i mean, i was ashamed of being nude and you being nude cos cos i mean you look at you, you're fuckin saggy, sure you're fair, but your boobs.. urggh..

eve- adam... you're no better with a receding hairline.

adam- but you fuckin'bitch ! you and that talking snake! i mean! a talking snake! you couldn't smell something fishy about a talking fucking snake! THAT ATE AN APPLE! which fucking snake eats apples!!!! you're the evil one you're not going to heaven.

eve- yes i am cos i accepted christ as my lord.

adam- well fuck all then, you make it sound so fucking crude. its like this guy, he wants to be voted for president okayyy and he doesn't give a rats ass whether you're mafia you're pimp, ho, prostitiute, corrupt, mass murderer...so long you give him a vote, you're good. wow! i'll tell you what eve.

eve- what?

adam walks away

eve - adam?

adam comes back with an uzi

eve - whats that?

adam- your ticket to heaven. i believe in christ, i choose him as my savior ok?

eve- thats great adam.

adam shoots eve, unloads a whole clip into her.

adam- thats for getting my ass kicked out of eden. i'll see you in heaven. bitch.

so fucking be it

2007-07-28T20:45:00.000+08:00

they won't let you have it all
swim swim swim
i'm a blinded by the murk that i live in
to get out, to die
to fuck out, to lie
there'd be a bloodied understanding
there'd be the laughs so condescending
there'd be the tears they swell in my eyes
but its all right, its all right.

i live a life in a day,
and fuck be fuck, things be that way.
but i've got you and fuck all we say

lets fucking swim swim swim
we're dead fish in a bowl
we swim swim swim
fucking lose control
swim swim swim
the eyes don't want to see blood
the eyes don't want to see more
dead fish don't belong in the bowl.
we the dead fish don't belong in the bowl.

we'll get to the better place, i wanna hide in your heart.

i don't like reading stories anymore, i don't like reading about hope. even the most complicated biography, its too simple too easy. if life were that easy, you're on fuckin' dope. I don't like to be led, by the dumb and the naive and the overly fed. The powerful hordes that grow, they preach their savior, their heaven, their dog. dirty people, you reap what you sow.

this is BEN's pickguard

2007-07-16T12:10:00.001+08:00

ok so i have shaky hands.... sorry if its blur.

we all love psychedelia don't we???

soap me through bitter.

2007-07-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

doe help me find
she helps me find my way to hell.
i crawl behind
the devils rise them priests into the sky

believe if you might
the throne bears no soul divine
the cunning in their prayers
you will, you will be mine.

oh sweet jesus
his tender sacrifice, his pain
he came to save us
much of that sincerity in vain

i am transparent in all its meaning

2007-07-12T23:13:00.000+08:00

There are certain things i won't lie about.

read between the lines dearest, this one is titled half a heart.

do you believe they ask
fevered faithful and fantasized
a cradle to the trust
for awhile there is a mask
concerned cold christ realized
the giving in is a must.

the imperfection
my infection
so much doesn't matter.

your smile
yes you,
do wait awhile.

i am detached
i am reattached
come hither.

my dearests
there is a truth i fear
a tumor, a bleeding group i will compile.

here it is.

are you lucky?
Do you deserve to be fucking lucky?
there are people i send in my prayers
there are things to be begged
we deserve we deserve if only you could hear their souls

I love the suffering bunch because they are the kind
they are the ones who allow themselves to fall victim
often without knowing it
because they are too sincere, too real, too kind, too untouchable
they are fragile.
they don't act and they lose in life
but their soul oh their sweet soul.
fucking sons of bitches you hurt them.
fucking sons of bitches you win.
fucking sons of bitches you can have me too.
everyone please don't hurt anyone
the meek can wake up in the morning and look themselves in the mirror,
the meek can breathe within themselves
but the meek always breathe for others
why do the meek die?
the meek were supposed to inherit the earth, fuck you sons of bitches,
you sons of bitches should live forever.
i'll have my lifetime in 4 years,
like stormy
i have my stormy,
i have my weather,
I have lost her
in several lives
its a strange feeling to joke
to joke in this dirt.
oh sweet laughter
i will die laughing.
i will die laughing,
and i'll let you laugh at me.

its an easy decision, be the victim, be at peace.

its burnt honey, its burnt.

2007-07-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

You've set your stage ablaze
oh the retching of your ego
i kept my three eyes glazed
oh i threw my heart into space

There was a yearning for applause
there came the standing ovation
to take that hat off for a cause
'tis but a charade of appreciation.

some thing's burnt someones hurt
I paint a face for me to hide
smile side by side i do comply
don't kid me honey theres not a place my dove will confide.

feels like my drug is a dove and my heart is the residue
feels like the heart is in love and my faith only rests in you
feels like that dove has perched and rested inside of me
and that faint odour, sweet bird i roast, sweet blasphemy.

be there a fraud, be there a god
my home is both, they kiss and cut me.
this is not about love
this is the performance,
this is a chance for me to hate me.

dear dirt i'm sorry to have rid you
dear dust, one day i'll join you.
till then my evil, my inner whore,
i've got a another to give, a stain of a life to live
this chance i'll take to scrub my soul,
i'll cleanse it till it sparkles,
till its sore.

6 weird things about me...

2007-07-08T22:19:00.000+08:00

i was tagged by diana to do this, supposed ta write 6 weird assed things about myself. and tag another 6 ppl..

1. I but brandy in coffee
2. I keep a pet bird and I try not to eat chicken rice in front of it.
3. I'm allergic to milk.
4. I dont dare to kill anything, not even insects.
5. I attract gays
6.I gotta 24 inch waist.
7.I can't count

so remember 6 weird things,

arthur
javier
randall
glenn
sonia
bai rong

in my sleep i slept.

2007-07-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

i carry someone's ashes on me always. He or she watches over me. I'm grateful for that.

He or she has become a part of me, and through this entity i learn about life. I learn about life from someone who has experienced it in all its entirety. Birth to death. Here is a little part of what he/she has told me. What little.

It seems like i've got a personal guide, like someone who'll take me through this whole motion. Well almost, but life isn't that easy and life isn't that fair. Doesn't mean we can't be happy, doesn't mean we can't find peace.

There are questions we may have, not necessarily very prominent burning questions, but questions about life. It would be carelessly arrogant and blunt for anyone to say we know the answers just like that, but we do.

It is a matter of embracing, recognizing, recollecting and wading in through this murky water called life to get them. what is our purpose? why am i here? what should i do? even, what's the matter with things? whats wrong with people? Dean koontz has written subtly about some of these, and by the grace of good grace i just happen to have someone to help me along with it.

listen to your heart, live for others, be quiet, be silent, turn inward and maybe ask for little. always listen to your heart, that lil voice in your head, or you can call it conscience, its the answer to every yes no, should i should i not question you'll ever have.

recently i've found a sense of peace, this doesn't mean i have problems. But ive found a sense of peace within, through 4 months of quiet and rest and a shiteload of painting, i can safely say that i wake up every morning, look myself in the mirror and find a bit of peace. It won't be easy to maintain though when life restarts, when work, studies, friends, social shit, ambitions kick in, but at least, this is a taste of what it feels like, and, its good. My dear someone told me, be kind, give, don't even think about hurting anyone, do not ever lie. 13 word formula for peace. Guilt comes in and out, but a little is always welcome. The hard part is being willing to turn the cheek to everything. are you willing to be hurt, to be humiliated, to be heart broken in order to stay true?

Life is unfair. Thats what makes it fair for everybody, no one gets it all. Material things the rich may have, but come death you don't take a cent with you. The poor but kind have a heavier baggage to check into the afterlife with, and there are no weight limits. The wealthy may have everything now but are blinded by the pleasures of life to seek anything beyond, they're not that lucky after all. I know a friend, came from a rich family, grew up with everything, literally up to his knee in whores, could have a fuck frenzy anytime, he could literally BUY a life. He's a changed man, he lives minimally now, he helps the sick, he's a physician. Why the change i don't know, but somehow he does, and thats something. You don't need faith, you don't need to accept christ or god into your heart, so long as you listen to your heart and you keep it clean, you're something. But it is when you do accept god into your heart and you demand that he make life fair for you that things fuck up. he she told me, life is unfair, but if you live for others, it won't matter at all, because you're not selfish, of course, don't be a dumbass, you're 17, you can't be mother theresa, you don't even have cash for a big mac. Simply put, give when you can, always lend a helping hand, when people come askin for help, give, its not everyday you have the opportunity to do so.

i don't know if this last part i should put down, but since its there, its there. My he she someone friend has lived a life. birth to death. strange how a person is most alive before he dies, strange how you know exactly how to live a life once you've died. i don't get to ask for advice anytime, only rarely when i'm lucky, it comes. this last part is about love, and right now, i just can't go on.

there is always some light.

2007-07-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

a collective they close
their eyes but see
alone their reminded
that life's not free
there is tax in the form
of heart from you and me.

why won't they bring us closer?
why does this feeling creep on me?
If god really perches higher
This view of this entirety
a swarm of negativity
a stain on his pristine majesty
One could only beg for a new finish.

But god being a know all,
he bits his divine lips.
For although this world
this imperfection
be a thing he always cherished,
Even the boss knows,
no good deed goes unpunished.

have you witnessed a death before? have you looked into the eyes of a cadaver? surely we know that death is not the end. sometimes people wait till its too late to pack their things, pack their souls. you can have everything in the world, but when u've taken your last breath, it is really too late to note that you can't take anything with you but the immaterial . That would be love, kindness and hope. if u don't see hope in the corpse's eyes, relax, you know the guy's taken that with him. life isn't fair, but everything from death onwards is. as trent reznor said, you know the fuck that you are. those that've treated you unfairly in this lifetime cannot peek inside themselves and smile, they cannot. they are the pitiful so try your best not to smirk.

when baby's dad is a graphic disgner..

2007-07-04T19:52:00.000+08:00

we deserve

2007-06-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

i saw pictures of my fellow classmates new paintings recently, dearest mrs tan printed em out.

on jon, "see, for a first major painting, its scary"

"i was very touched when he his teacher told him that the rosary would make it hard to win the uob competition due to its religious context"

and jon painted it over with a flower, then painted it back with a rosary again.

its something really, staying true.

well but on my end

"you give me a canvas right now, i wouldn't even be able to give you half the standard of work that you have in your hands"

oh well, maybe thats why i like spray paint so much, you finish your work and if its ugly, you're still happy, thanks to plentiful aerosols making you smile like very few things can.

eh but but but, by crook or by crook, i'll make the cjc painting nice. or at least i'l make those viewing it smile, if ya know what i mean ;)

love

conversations that god can't beat.

2007-06-28T22:51:00.000+08:00

(Crowded motel room. There is one bed and four cots, which the boys are lying on and Red is sitting on the real bed looking at a map of the campus.)

RED: There's got to be at least one all-male dormitory on this campus. Ah, here it is-right in between the chapel and the school of interior design.

KITTY: (walks out of the bathroom.) Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

KELSO: A little?

KITTY: (Yelling.) Shut up! (Normal voice.) So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

(The guys, including Red, all groan and turn away. Except for Fez who looks at Kitty with a smile.)

FEZ: I'm hooked.

KITTY: (Claps her hands. Then holds up to bars of soap.) Okay, so, um, now say these soaps are my ovaries.

ERIC: Kill me now.

HYDE: Can't hear you, man. I'm on a beach in Florida.

KITTY: Okay, um, about a month ago, they stopped producing… (Kelso's game beeps.) They stopped… (beeping continues.) Stopped producing-that's it. (She throws down the soaps and storms over to Kelso, takes the game and throws it out the window.) What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

KELSO: Yes, I was. (Kitty looks surprised and a bit guilty.) And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!

RED: (Stands up.) Okay, boys, time to leave.

(The boys walk to the door. Fez stops in front of Kitty.)

FEZ: Mrs. Forman? I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.

RED: Get out.

stories of hope again? will n hope

2007-06-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

will will take hope to a better place

will wakes to rhythm
will will rise to the occasion
the cries and the bleating
the shoving his heart to take
'tis hard to admit entry to wisdom
from the one who delivers the beating

will finds a heart in hope
will will hope the world for hope
the smiles and the warming
regret is the warm hand
in each other they see new land
to him, without hope, will - amounts to - nothing.

and i leave it to you to decide whether you should put a question mark or a period behind some of the lines. after all, what you read and what you interpret reflects the within.

are you will, or are you hope. sometimes, what will and hope are or who they are should be left untold, so we can paint them in a shade similar to our own. let yourself be will or hope, and get to the new land, we all deserve to get through the goats' bleating.

uno persistant motherfockura stories about hope

2007-06-27T21:33:00.000+08:00

its been three days, three days in a row, and every morning i wake up to the buzzing of that small black bugger. no, by small black bugger i do not refer to

1. a mole which twitches
2. a body part
3. my pet
4. you, if you happened to piss me off recently.

i refer to TAITESS. taitess is a hornet cum wasp cum demon. taitess is the name i gave him/her, pronouced "tight ass", not that i've experienced the circumference of a wasp's asshole...

taitess is 5 cm long, big for a bee/hornet/wasp/buzzermuff. he flies in and out of my room very often. you will soon find out why this is a story of hope, and more importantly, why i call him/her/it taitess.

one morning 3 days ago i woke up and saw, to my effin horror a monster of a fly, a hornet, buzzing, swooping, performing aerial maneuvers above my face. i will be frank, i hate bees, fire ants, wasps, hornets, anything with a sting, yea thats right, you too mr chen, you too grand aunt. i am afraid of hornets, its slick appearance, the black colour, its like god wanted to create a war machine but miscalculated its size. imagine waking up to find one dancing above u and perching, no not perching, crashing landing 4 inches from your genitals. yea, pretty shitty yea?

it kept flying from corner to corner, wall to window... and i realized it probably wanted to fly out.. i left the window open and waited for it to go through and slammed it shut behind it.

little did i know, the fella wanted to build a nest in my room... he tried coming back, kept slamming his bee brain on my window.

there was a crack. yes thats right, and he flew right through my crack, thats right, the crack between the wall and the window. it wasn't easy, his big fatass abdomen bocked him at first, but he squeezed through with much difficulty. THIS IS PROBABLY one of the reasons GOD DECIDED TO SPARE MALES AN HOUR GLASS FIGURE.

i tried getting the bugger out, he keeps coming in, he crinkles his wings, damages himself every time he comes in and out? and was i sorry for him? OF COURSE! not.

the wasp/hornet whatever... is a spider killer, how many insects can kill a spider? and lay the dead spiders on my desk?

i was amused ok, i was quite proud of the black faggot. but you know, me being me, i flipped a page out of national geographic which contained a large zoomed in picture of a tarantula.. a big hairy mutherasshumper of a spider. about 7 inches long... ( in print of course) and placed it on the table, next to the 2 dead spiders..

boy was that something, of course the black faggot went into a frenzy

BUT HE STILL CAME BACK.

last night it stormed.

and i was pretty sure, his black ass turned into watercolour.

BUT HE STILL CAME BACK.

barely alive, but kicking nonetheless.

bastard if an insect, irritating as hell, but really something. and i don't want to smack the bugger anymore, we've got a small agreement, he stops buzzing around when i wake up. he gets his black ass out the window.

its a story of hope, there are no witty twists, there is no action.

its a small ass that lived, thats all, but its something, i can't dramatize it really, its a fokin wasp for bugger sake.

but still

and don't ask me why i didn;t just kill it.

oh so very true

2007-06-23T19:39:00.000+08:00

1. the meek will inherit the earth
2. a prayer that goes "spare me so i may serve'

3.. this short thing

with his face angled down, he appears to be a shoe gazer. he turns a corner and sees a mother, slapping the wits out of her child, she notices him and blushes, her bronze dark skin turning an ugly shade... she gives a pecker kiss on the infant. reminds Ephrem of a peckerwood against a rose. he avoids them, turns and gets into the lift. they follow, the mother holding her child like an inanimate object, a foul one too, to be kept away from the face. the baby squirms and cries. mother shakes it, mother hushes it.

ephrem walks in without much of a rat;s ass for their presence. mother says 10th floor. ephrem presses the button for her, of course, hoping the lift would bring her closer to the center of the earth. and that gives him the idea

he gets out on the 2nd floor. waits till the lift goes up to the 9th floor and hits the emergency button which sends it hirtling to the first floor again, at well, a much faster than usual speed.

doesn't that warm your heart? maybe now that bitch will treat her child less like an animal. yes and for you people who don't know whether they survived, they did. emergency lift buttons save lives.

this is what they taught

2007-06-22T12:56:00.000+08:00

a person is most alive just before death

2007-06-22T12:49:00.000+08:00

2007-06-20T19:58:00.000+08:00

this kid discovered something today.

he looks at the sun
he figures it all out
why can't we look at the sun he wonders
he knows now

our eyes are the window to our soul
but for who to see?
for them to see
for them who will judge us
where we exist will reflect us
what we do will be shown
our memories a record of our deed
they see when we hurt
they see when we give
they see when we care
they see when we grieve
but we can't look at the sun
because thats where they sit
proud and all knowing in their thrones
watching us
we the fish in the bowl
we shit and we feed in the same water
they don't want us to know they are there
they don't want to prove they exist
for if they do
it might just be too easy for us to comply
the true test is to have faith without seeing
oh my we cry
this actually means
do not bring us to the test may be a whisper
for who will deliver
us from evil when evil is within
oh my we cry
its our eyes
its our eyes
for if it is they who gave us vision
it is they who can truly see
no speech no heart can reason
with the guilt one bears on his tree
our denial can numb our heart
but our existence merely a conduit
for this story
this record of humanity
where the blind
the ignorant
the evil
against all odds
swimming in their own shit
ascended eventually.
the boy rushes within
he nourishes others
he cares
he gives
he makes mistakes
but he cares and he gives
and he shows he has a heart
of course there is guilt
there is regret
he cannot explain it other than
cares
gives
did he dare?
did he dare say
love?
and up there in their thrones
the divine all agreed
to this young scum
could they give way.

oh it is a sad sad life,
sing your sad song and make it better.

so now what?

2007-06-20T19:40:00.001+08:00

so heres the thing. i've gotta band, we've gotta gig scheduled for sunday 25th june.

terms n conditions state that i've gotta sell 20 tickets n shit. thing is they never sent the tickets to me, so now what the fuck? asshole calls up and tells me to meet him to collect tickets. how the fuck do u want me to sell tickets just like fucking that?

so heres how i picture whats gonna happen 20 mins from now.

i'll make a call,

hi is this jason?

yes speaking.

this is ruben, hey man, sorry can't meet you to collect the tickets, anyway i don't think i can sell them. so hey if you don't want my band to play for the gig its ok.

if he says - oh oh is it? no its ok you can still play..

i'll say - oh cool, in that case, we don't wanna fucking play at your piece a shit party.

if he says - you know you signed the agreement you should've..

i'll say - fuck you pussy eater, i sign that thinking you'd abide by the rules you made as well. oh and fuck you pussy eater.

if he says (again) - can you meet me tonight or tomorrow night to come and collect the..
i'll say - who the fuck do you think i am crawling around to collect something i'm not even getting paid for? you think i'm fucking stupid?

the world is full of fuckers, they come to you and fuck you around... when you come across a fucker, you should fuck him back really hard. if you are a fucker to begin with, do the world a favour and fuck yourself. once again, the ideal world is pretty much definitely one without human existence.

and why don't i want to play anyway?

i'm so fucking negative aren't i?

1. the band hasn't practiced for it at all.
2. we haven't really decided what to play
3. the venue stinks
4. i'm fucking weary
5. i'm fucking weary
6. i doubt the rest of the band really wants to go all out for this one
7. i'm fucking weary
8. i'm getting broke spending money on this fucking "passion" called music.
9. this gig is not going to get anyone anywhere
10. in fact its one of those self exposure gigs
11. and we all know that you can't get fucking exposure with those
12. you want fucking exposure you strip in front of your best friends parents
13. i'm getting discouraged
14. playing composing writing daily, hourly and getting nowhere
15. i know i'd love to say, its getting me nowhere cos its not good enough
16. why thank you very much, my honesty is just the most uplifting
17. i'm fucking weary
18. there are better things to do, people to put a smile on for
19. so its such a brainless decision, why the hesitation?

1. because doing the gig would be the right thing to do
2. because you should do it for your friends
3. because you will feel guilty for dumping this
4. because, be - fucking- cause.

all problems are self created ladies n gentlemen, i got myself into this and i'm drowning in my own shit, this is so fucking fun, i so wanna do this again.

kisses full of shit to all of you :)

i've started painting

2007-06-19T19:50:00.000+08:00

this one is fun hahaha... its scary as shit, but its fun

this'll be a painting for the cjc library... like omg how the hell am i gonna ???

so maybe a few will know the story behind this one.

this piece is about hope.
hope manifested to me in a few of these..

denial, uncertainty, sacrifice, ignorance, desire, people, just the few people.

i'm putting this one together by arranging rose petals to form the big picture.

i give a whole lotta love to every single petal, detail is important to me, emotional detail while painting is important to me, and will be important to whoever views it.

the vague picture is forming now, but hardly, there is a lot of uncertainty... colors, overlapping, placement.. colors, colors, colors..

i worry about how to deal with the layout..the f******* colors. there is no safety net doing this one... its like putting the dressing right on top of the salad, where it belongs, but where there is no turning back.

i paint through the noise, i paint through the shouting, i paint through the fighting, the television static, the music, the blissful wind, the occasional silence, the aid of mnms, the aid of green tea, the coaxing of friends.

oh and why roses? why rose petals?

rose is the passion flower, is the love flower, is the hate flower.

i believe life is a bed of roses. One that needs to be shredded, petal by petal to unveil the true beauty, the entirety that is a life given away, taken apart for something, someone, anything one sees a reason to do so for. that is hope. sweet fucking hope.

2 cuts from my head, 2 paragraphs for my friends

2007-06-19T19:40:00.000+08:00

the lonely angel

boy sees house on fire
boy feels nails in his feet
boy lets heart float higher
he can't smell his defeat

and the angel's reporter

so i sat there mixing the paint
my mind sat with me
without restraint
i flooded mind with the rhythm
of hurt much worse than my own
but stoic children
their voices filtered through
myself so sadly not in my hands to disown
and i bled the colors
i rubbed it in
a little black applied for hours
my output then matched the shade within.

2007-06-18T19:51:00.000+08:00

there is that who sits under
the shower
the martyr
the cover

she is that who fails to acknowledge
the color
the hour
the flower

they were them who took
the desire
the fire
the entire

i was one who became
the liar
the buyer
and i carried the question mark like a certain star carried his wood
forever

you are
the reader
the forgiver
the redeemer.

and today we see but we don't care.

2007-06-18T19:32:00.000+08:00

the perfectionist

he sees his idol
he doesn't pray
lies to convince
his heart this very day
his eyelids are half open
a naked soul does point the way
into a hole he ascends
off comes his hat and he amends
oh that sweet smile
behind which he tastes bile
he holds out his hand
but somehow he fails to understand
the very spirit he speaks
the very idol he reeks
will paint the lot in his own hell created
that is where he will land
and so he chants
i am a thinker
i am a stinker.

stuff in my head today

2007-06-16T22:57:00.001+08:00

1. what did santa claus say when he entered the brothel?

HO HO HO

2.what should i get for fathers day..

3.what purpose am i serving today...

4.sometimes i wish we can rid the world of all the fucked up people... the ideal world is without human existence..thank u sonia...that translation hot hot hot

5.poor dudes acting the play out at sentosa had to be so thick skin, they;re doing it for a living and we're commenting on how gimmicky it seems,

6. *mental note, tell yourself to go fuck yourself.

7. am i going to get anywhere in life? then.. ah forget it..

8. should i throw this banana peel out of the window?

more to come...

your mp3 is psychic.

2007-06-16T22:35:00.000+08:00

iF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY"YOU SAY ?
buck dich - rammstein

cochise-audioslave

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOURPERSONALITY?

reptile- nine inch nails

eleanor rigby-the beatles

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

the beatiful people-marilyn manson

closer-nine inch nails

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

zestoren- rammstein

rock is dead-marilyn manson

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

show me how to live-audioslave

buck dich (repeat)-rammstein (and no, my destiny can't be to butt fuck)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

come together-the beatles

eat me drink me-marilyn manson

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

reptile-nine inch nails

sex type thing-stone temple pilots

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?

slither-velvet revolver
feuer frei-rammstein (so true)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
engel rammstein

illegal i song-velvet revolver

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIES?

ave maria- no comment, no comment

heretic song-slipknot

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOULIKE?

hysteria-muse

the perfect drug-nine inch nails (yea baby..this is more like it.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROWUP?

wicked game-HIM

reptile (repeat)-nine inch nails

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THEPERSON YOU LIKE?

day tripper-the beatles

rock and roll-led zeppelin

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU??

another brick in the wall- marilyn manson

the immigrant song-led zeppelin

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

the beautiful people(repeat)-marilyn manson

big come down-nine inch nails (ho yes ...)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

the hand that feeds-nine inch nails

don't worry be happy- bob marley (yea i don't mind hahaha)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

black dog-led zeppelin

happiness in slavery-nine inch nails

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

survivalism-nine inch nails

mein teil-rammstein

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

ax-FAQ

big bang baby-stone temple pilots

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

there was a time-guns and roses

only-nine inch nails

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU REPOST?

shake that bush again-the mooney suzuki

fall to pieces-velvet revolver

yes i love nine inch nails... or maybe just trent reznor..
...and jeordie white..

and oh my god.. aaron north.

not that i'm a buttfucker of course.

you should try it, if yours is a chinese ipod, hohoho, have fun..

*note. it really does kinda work..after all you are what you eat..music wise too..

okok stupid thing of the day

2007-06-14T20:15:00.001+08:00

so diana was looking for this thing called a action sampler, which really is a camera that takes a photo within a sec and splits it into 4 cute photos..

we couldnt find an online site that sells it without askin for paypal or credit card... so eventually i found one in singapore..

called the person up to check if they had the exact model

"hi do you have a lomo camera that is transparent, cute and colourful?"

"oh yes, you're referring to the action sampler?"

"yea baby."

this is where i hang up, i couldn't help it, she had the cute assed horny voice, i had to play along, hell the pope would've played along!"

its in your head

2007-06-14T10:05:00.000+08:00

phrase of the day..

born a loser, out to lunch

question of the day

are we there yet?

what a lot of people have is trust, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is jealousy, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is greed, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is luck, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is poison, without knowing it. what a lot of people have are lies, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is purity, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is creativity, without knowing it. what a lot of people have is psychic, without knowing it.

what you may have is love, but that you will know. what you may have is hate, and that you will know.

someone once said that love and hate is the same, the opposite of love, is apathy.

what a lot of people have is sex, without knowing it.

this is NIN

2007-06-10T13:35:00.001+08:00

the hand that feeds

And there were 5 of them.

2007-06-10T12:36:00.000+08:00

i was part of this lil performance at tanglin cc yesterday.

2 hours of practice before the show

found a singer last minute, effendi from bedroom utensils

played these songs, cochise, show me how to live by audioslave and the hand that feeds by NIN.

wanted to back out of this gig a long time ago,

but couldn't due to some unforeseen circumcisions.

the 2 hours of practice were fine except for the new singer's occasional stray notes

we failed to nail the nine inch nails song.

but we went ahead anyway,

so there you have it, effendi, chris chai, mark wee and ruben head for a gig.

we were scheduled to open the show.

we went to the venue and saw before our eyes 2 people, they made up half of the people in the hall, the other 2 was actually one person, a really fat person who was the sound-man.

we tested equipments and i fooled around with the spare mic, i', pretty sure i turned on the old lady in the front row by whispering "sweet sex sex sex.." and "i'm so fucking honoured to open this grand jamboree night". of course at a barely audible level and rough marilyn manson record voice, the audience merely think its part of a soundcheck and nod their old fragile greying exposed scalped shriveled prune like heads.

and then there were five of them, diana, randall, arthur, ben say, sonia.

we played, we fumbled, i trashed up a fluorescent stage light and sang a shoddy version of the hand that feeds. The crowd was small and we still gave it the best shot.

there are people who want to see you fall, there are people who wished you never were, there are people who want to hurt you. poisonous people, jealous people, non people kind of people.

but there are people who believe in you and there are people who always stand by you. there are people who trust you and especially trust you to entertain them. For these people you must perform, and the show must go on.

and the looks on their faces at the end of every song, it tells you to go on, so thanks randall, diana, sonia, ben, arthur for coming down, for being a part of a very special moment. Now we can write in our resume that we are a band, truly willing to put on a great show, no matter what the venue, no matter what the occasion, be it to a 20 seater or a 2000 mutherhumper clump of a crowd.

yes , and there will always be the few who stand out from the crowd, who matter just as much as those who plant their asses on the stage.

to future moshes, bruises, fights and blood, diana, randall, arthur, ben, sonia!

with love

rbn