Sunday, July 8, 2007

in my sleep i slept.

i carry someone's ashes on me always. He or she watches over me. I'm grateful for that.

He or she has become a part of me, and through this entity i learn about life. I learn about life from someone who has experienced it in all its entirety. Birth to death. Here is a little part of what he/she has told me. What little.

It seems like i've got a personal guide, like someone who'll take me through this whole motion. Well almost, but life isn't that easy and life isn't that fair. Doesn't mean we can't be happy, doesn't mean we can't find peace.

There are questions we may have, not necessarily very prominent burning questions, but questions about life. It would be carelessly arrogant and blunt for anyone to say we know the answers just like that, but we do.

It is a matter of embracing, recognizing, recollecting and wading in through this murky water called life to get them. what is our purpose? why am i here? what should i do? even, what's the matter with things? whats wrong with people? Dean koontz has written subtly about some of these, and by the grace of good grace i just happen to have someone to help me along with it.

listen to your heart, live for others, be quiet, be silent, turn inward and maybe ask for little. always listen to your heart, that lil voice in your head, or you can call it conscience, its the answer to every yes no, should i should i not question you'll ever have.

recently i've found a sense of peace, this doesn't mean i have problems. But ive found a sense of peace within, through 4 months of quiet and rest and a shiteload of painting, i can safely say that i wake up every morning, look myself in the mirror and find a bit of peace. It won't be easy to maintain though when life restarts, when work, studies, friends, social shit, ambitions kick in, but at least, this is a taste of what it feels like, and, its good. My dear someone told me, be kind, give, don't even think about hurting anyone, do not ever lie. 13 word formula for peace. Guilt comes in and out, but a little is always welcome. The hard part is being willing to turn the cheek to everything. are you willing to be hurt, to be humiliated, to be heart broken in order to stay true?

Life is unfair. Thats what makes it fair for everybody, no one gets it all. Material things the rich may have, but come death you don't take a cent with you. The poor but kind have a heavier baggage to check into the afterlife with, and there are no weight limits. The wealthy may have everything now but are blinded by the pleasures of life to seek anything beyond, they're not that lucky after all. I know a friend, came from a rich family, grew up with everything, literally up to his knee in whores, could have a fuck frenzy anytime, he could literally BUY a life. He's a changed man, he lives minimally now, he helps the sick, he's a physician. Why the change i don't know, but somehow he does, and thats something. You don't need faith, you don't need to accept christ or god into your heart, so long as you listen to your heart and you keep it clean, you're something. But it is when you do accept god into your heart and you demand that he make life fair for you that things fuck up. he she told me, life is unfair, but if you live for others, it won't matter at all, because you're not selfish, of course, don't be a dumbass, you're 17, you can't be mother theresa, you don't even have cash for a big mac. Simply put, give when you can, always lend a helping hand, when people come askin for help, give, its not everyday you have the opportunity to do so.

i don't know if this last part i should put down, but since its there, its there. My he she someone friend has lived a life. birth to death. strange how a person is most alive before he dies, strange how you know exactly how to live a life once you've died. i don't get to ask for advice anytime, only rarely when i'm lucky, it comes. this last part is about love, and right now, i just can't go on.
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